It wasn't the time yet..

..to have another baby.

OK, where should I begin now..

I had a miscarriage on August 15th. I was excited to see two lines on my pregnancy test on July. Mr.M and I have always wanted more than one kid (still don't know how many more though. We are still on different opinions about the number) and I was thrilled that I finally get to experience pregnancy once more.

Soon as I had the result, I started to browse about English speaking doctors and hospital in Seoul. It was not easy to go to a hospital doctor here, you have to book at least a week before the appointment. I even got suggested to book a month in advance from a hospital in Gangnam! Desperately wanted to give the good news to our families in Indonesia, I decided to go to a hospital near Itaewon who accepted my booking a day before appointment.

I had the ultrasound, but the doctor said she couldn't see the sac. She told me to had my blood tested, it showed that I was pregnant but she wasn't sure and she asked me to come see her again in two days time.

I tried to see another doctor for second opinion, he said he didn't see a heartbeat. It was probably because it was still too immature, he said.

Long story short, in about two weeks I was back and forth to the hospital. Had several blood tests until one time doctor asked me to do that again, I felt frustration rushing in my blood and I just cried. Heavily. In the waiting room. It was weekday and Mr.M was supposed to accompany me to the doctor but he couldn't make it in time from the office (he came after I finished crying) so I was just there with Andra in the stroller.

The doctor suggested curettage but I wanted to wait. She gave me a pill to exuviate the fetus.

A day before I take the pill, the fetus came out.

It was weekend and three of us were going to Starbucks and I cried in the ladies room, realizing that it was really the fetus coming out. I was sad that I wasn't going to be pregnant for real, I was sorry for Andra that I'd been telling him that he was going to have a baby sister/brother. But part of me was glad that I wasn't the one that made the fetus out. I would never forgive myself if I did a mistake that made us loose someone we were suppose to have.

Mr.M and I don't have any family member who ever had a miscarriage,  and so i never thought that I would experience that. It was such a shock for us but we are going to get through it.

Been a long time, isn't it?

I miss blogging!

Really, there are so many things I want to write for the past couple of months but the laziness just wouldn't go.

I will update soon!